Of all the wacky costume ideas for Halloween, this takes the cake. From a few years ago…

Talked with my dear friend Matthew the other day. Went a little something like this:

“So what’s your little boy going to be for Halloween?” I asked.

“Anthony is going to be a Crusader.”

Long pause.

“A what? I didn’t hear you right.”

“A Crusader,” he said.

“You’re kidding.”

“No.”

I wait for the punchline. And wait. And wait.

“Why?” Matthew asked. “What’s wrong with being a Crusader?”

I blink into the phone. Hold it up and inspect it.

I am talking to a crazy man.

I clear my throat and try to speak clearly.

“What’s wrong with being a Crusader? You do realize I’m Jewish, right? And a former history teacher, right?”

Crazy Man laughs.

“Come on, Katie, it’s not as if he’s dressing up like a Nazi.”

“This is no different than putting him in a Nazi uniform or Ku Klux Klan outfit. The Crusaders were just as bad; they’re simply ancient history and therefore more remote. That’s all.”

“No way,” he said. “The Crusades weren’t that bad.”

“Look it up!”

“Anthony is adorable in his costume,” Matthew said. “He’s got the outfit, sword, and shield. I’ll send you a picture.”

“Tell you what,” I said. “You can have Anthony drag my sons around by their yarmulkes and then pretend to stab them with that adorable sword if they don’t convert. Onlookers will throw Skittles and Holy Water. It’ll be a hoot.”

“They were all barbaric back then. It’d be no different if he wore a Gladiator outfit or went as Atilla the Hun.”

“Those are the choices?” I asked. “What happened to Spider Man? I shouldn’t be surprised you are transforming a beautiful and innocent child into a mass murderer.”

Can’t you just hear the neighbors as they answer the door?

“Oh look, honey, the kids are here. We have Cinderella, Winnie the Pooh, and a handsome boy with a red hot poker up the Robinson kid’s rear end!”