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On Having a Third
Deciding how many children to have can be one of the most emotional choices a mother needs to make
This is the first in a series of submission from The Momoir Project, all of which focus on finding the right number of children for each respective writer's family.
I’m making pancakes with my kids. My 3-year old son is dumping the flour into the blender, a dusting of white covers the counter, his arms and his face. His pajamas are too small for him, the tattered cuffs stop short an inch up his arm.
My just six-year old daughter declares, “Mommy, I want another baby. I want the family to have another baby.” She says it innocently, with a smile, believing her statement to be on the same level as “Mommy, I want the Playmobil Animal Clinic for my birthday."
Within seconds, my eyes are welling with tears. This is not the first time she has asked this – she has been doing so on and off for the past year or so. A few of her kindergarten friends have added small babies into their families, including, about a week ago, on Mother’s Day, her best friend welcomed a new baby brother. It’s on her mind, this baby business, and she assumes logically that it would be reasonable to appeal to me, the mother, to grant her request to gain a new sibling.
“Yeeahh, a baby. Wouldn’t that be cooool?” my son says, licking his powdered fingers.
The last many times my daughter has asked this I have managed to deflect, with a shrug, a smile, sometimes an “I don’t think so, honey,” and move on to the next thing. But, this time I don’t want to answer that way. I don’t want to pretend an answer. On my resolve days, the days when I resolve not to think about it, not to despair about it, not to imagine the ‘what if’ scenarios where things magically turn around, I tell myself, as a responsible parent, I should not involve my kids in this issue. It is not their struggle, and they have many wants and desires that I say ‘no’ to every day. “Mama, can I have another cookie?”, “Mama, can I have a race car and drive really fast?”, “Mama, can I never brush my hair again?” I can say ‘no’ to these things. But this time, the “No, sweetie,” and a smile, just won’t come.
And I hear myself saying, “You need to ask Daddy about that.”
She counters, “But why, Mommy, why don’t you want another one?”
With tears now progressing down my cheeks, I try to erase the bitterness from my voice. “I do want one, honey, very much. I would very much like to have another baby. But Daddy doesn’t, so you should ask him.”
I’m falling into the slippery morrass of parental divide, playing one off the other, not presenting a united front. But I can’t help it. How can I not speak it, even to my 3 and 6 year olds?
22 Comments
Comments
I felt like I was reading about myself when I read your post. The only difference is I'm only 26. My daughter is 6 and my son is 3 and I am just now getting that strong desire to have a 3rd child. After the birth of my 2nd child which was all natural I said, that I was done. I said this for years and even wanted my husband to get a vasectomy. Thankfully he didn't but I do feel a lot of resentment towards him right now.
I am a SAHM we are financially stable, he is in the Army so that means that I already do 90% of the work when it comes to the kids. I just feel that it should be up to me since I know what I can handle. Also with if we were to get preg now there would be a 4 yr age gap between my youngest now and the baby. That gap is bigger then I would like, and I told him maybe sometime next year and he still says no. He says that he wants to wait a couple of years but he said this before and I don't want to wait too long and then have a even bigger gap. If the gap gets to big I will feel like we need a 4th child so that the 3rd child will have a sibling close in age. I love big families and of course I know its hard but the benefits outweigh the negatives. My husband is an only child and doesn't know how great it is to come from a big family. Now I sit here 1 in the morning sad, with puffy eyes on the verge of tears feeling that he just can't relate to me. He is able to fall asleep and not notice that I am sobbing right next to him.
He didn't even want our 2nd child but since it was a boy he was happy, and I'm just so jealous of the couples who are both on the same page and want more kids. Why do I feel like I am losing control over my life? I just so envy those couples who are preg with their 3rd and 4th and their spouse is happy. I sacrifice so much for his career and am very supportive but yet I feel lonely and sad that what I want he doesn't support. Also the fact that I talked to my friend who has 5 kids and she was telling me about how hard it was when they were young but how much her and her husband love having a big family. I just feel like my dreams are being ripped out from under my feet. I just want to scream as loud as I can or run on the treadmill at full speed just to escape my anger. I'm sorry this has turned into a huge rant but it's so hard when I have been such a supportive wife who has stood by him during 2, year long deployments. Thanks for listening
In my previous comment I meant he DOESNT want another biological child
This sounds like our house right now. WE have one son and I yearn for a 2nd so badly. Sadly my husband has said he want another biological child, he want to adopt. I have no real desire to adopt. Im so hurt, theres nothing in the English language can begin to explain the pain. Im an only child and hate it. I've always wanted a sibling and I made sure to tell my husband BEFORE we got maaried that I wanted 2 bio kids and he agreed. After the birth of our son he renigged and its been like this for 2 years.
My childhoon was lonely and adulthood has lonely when there's no one to share it with other than you spouse. He doesn't see it that way but he's never been an only child. I've got a lot meds and theraphy to go through in order to accept this new reality because the thought of divorce over this matter is too much to deal with. Our marriage has been a great one, except for this.
I felt like I was reading about myself. I am 40, with three children (2 step children and 1 of my own) After our daughter who is 4 we decided to not try to prevent pregnancy, but not to try either. I had to take fertility drugs to concieve my daughter so the chance of having another is slim. I want another, therefore want to start trying again and go back on fertility drugs. My husband does not. I understand all of his reasons, believe me I have thought them all myself. I respect my husbands wishes, because as others have said it takes two people to say yes to this. There is no compromise. In this situation someone will not be happy with the outcome. It happens to be me and I am not handling it well. I am running out of time and I am angry my body won't work on it's own and allow me to get pregnant by chance. I am angry with my husband, but there is nothing that can be done unless he changes his mind.
Thank you for sharing such a hard topic. It is hard to bare your soul and then have other criticize you for your feelings.
I really feel for the lady in this atricle. My story is a little different. I was in a bad marriage for 9 years that produced two wonderful children 14 and 9. My husband at that time was very controlling and demanded that I have my tubes tied after my youngest was born or he would leave me. I was desperate to be loved by him (dont know why he was a cheater among other things) so I did it. If i knew then what I know now I would have never done it because we seperated when my son was only 5 months old. I now have a wonderful man in my life who would love to have more kids (I have my 2 and he has 1) and I have never stopped having regrets for having my tubes tied. Now the regrets are stronger. I constantly think about the fact that he is truly the love of my life and I cannot give him a child. It hurts alot at times.
I have to say that the author's bitterness toward her husband needs to be resolved, and that using her children to try to change his mind is just downright wrong. On the flip sid, if he is firm about not having any more children, then why hasn't he had a vasectomy instead of telling her he would like her to abort the child should she turn up pregnant? If my husband ever said something like that to me, his butt would be on the curb in a heartbeat! It sounds to me like they still have a lot of talking to do--and if they can't work it out on their own, then seek help from a qualified marriage counselor. THEN get a vasectomy!
I am not a mother.
I never intend to be one.
I came across this article by accident...
but this is one of the most beautifully written, heartfelt things I have ever read regarding motherhood and regarding things we can not have.
Good luck, God bless and enjoy the incredible life you have.
Wow! Whoever Anonymous is should have at least have the nerve to post her/his real name. What a coward! I applaud you for speaking with him as an adult should, and not taking the matters into your own hands. I too would love another child (on most days) but my husband feels the same way as yours does. He is THE BEST DAD to our two girls and while I yearn for the third I will count my blessings with a happy marriage and two healthy, smart, vibrant girls who fill my life with laughter, craziness and an abundance of love!
Good luck, I hope you two can restore the night life! ;)
I so feel for you. My youngest is 14. I still long for another. I still do the math. I still have the fantasies. My sister is already a grandmother. I'm still not ready to give up the dream of another baby. I want the pregnancy and even the childbirth, the breastfeeding and all of those amazing first you get to witness. I would so love to see what a third child would look like with our genes.
The only thing I would not look forward to is the sleepless nights.
I wish for you accecptance. I wish it for myself, I hope someday to find it.
I think you are one of the most selfish people I have ever heard of. Your husband wants to be able to put enough time into your family to keep it strong and is worried that something would happen to you while pregnant. he has his reasons. doctors strong advise against having children after 35 and you are well past that. i can't believe you would even fight him about this.
you are wretched. i'm glad he's holding strong on this. you're going to ruin your otherwise great relationship with these hateful bitter thoughts. shame on you.
I can't believe you would say something so cruel! This woman is not selfish. Actually, her husband is. He certainly doesn't mind having sex with her, but if she were to get pregnant he insists on her having an abortion??!! As another reader mentioned, he needs to get a vasectomy. What is he waiting for? Or is it okay for her to have an abortion, but not okay for him to have a vasectomy?
The reasons he gives for not wanting another are also selfish. He doesn't want to lose more sleep?? He doesn't want to lose his extra free time?? I agree that it's not easy during the infant stage, but it's only temporary. Perhaps he doesn't want his wife to be so busy with a newborn that she becomes sexually unavailable (especially since she promised to do EVERYTHING!)
I obviously think it's unfair for a husband to deny his wife the opportunity to expand her family. It's not like she's asking for a new car. She's asking for one of the biggest blessings life has to offer.
He doesn't just not want to lose sleep; he doesn't want anything to happen to her. He's happy with two, and three is not two. It's not as if a baby is a goldfish or something - a third baby is a third person for whom he will be responsible for the rest of his life. Maybe she says she'll do everything, but what does it mean to HIM to have a son or daughter and not take care of him/her? Again, a baby is not a pet - what kind and loving father wants to subject his child to a life without the care and love of his/her dad?
You're right, she's asking for one of the biggest blessings life has to offer - and also one of the biggest responsibilities. A baby is not a new car. A car doesn't care if it's driven and serviced by only one of its owners. A car can be sold if its owners can't afford or don't want it anymore.
As for a husband "denying" his wife, what if it were he who wanted another baby, very badly, agreed to adopt so that his wife wouldn't have to go through a pregnancy, but SHE didn't want it? I get the feeling you wouldn't be arguing so vehemently for his right to be a dad.
The author is perfectly entitled to want another baby, but using the children she already has to try to guilt her husband into agreeing is NOT right or fair. Although, yes, a vasectomy would be a better idea than an abortion - but considering the tone of this article, I'm not willing to take the author's word that he meant it seriously.
Wow. That's harsh and mean.
You can't make any judgments like that about her husband/relationship/kids without knowing them.
Shame on YOU for THOSE hateful and bitter thoughts.
Submitted by Sunny | http://mywellcalculatedlife.wordpress.com
Have you never heard the saying, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"
Mommy-bashing is the most ridiculous form of commenting on the internet today. You need to stop standing behind you're anonymous label and if you truely believe something then say it. This bashing is ridiculuos, we are all adults we should be able to discuss the pros/cons of something without resorting to name calling.
I don't know this lady and most likely neither do you. If you think she's so horrible keep it to yourself.
Mommy bashing? All this woman does is use her kids as weapons against their own father and passive-aggressively trying to pump out a third. She needs to get a reality check. Her husband is giving her nothing but honesty and truth and she resents him for it. Her husband doesn't want to have more than 2 children. It's a perfectly reasonable desire that she needs to respect. Her only alternative is to divorce him, but THAT would be the mother of all selfish moves.
Anonymous has just as much right to make a comment as you do. As for the woman who wrote the story, to try to enlist her to small children to put pressure on her husband to have more children is childish and weird. She's already discussed having more children with her husband and he said no. She's hounding him all the time to change his mind and trying to wear him down and what she's going to end up doing is finding herself raising the two children that she does have on her own.
I didn't say she didn't have a right to respond at all Kaci. I just asked that she respect the writers feelings.
I'm sorry if thats how I made sound. I don't think bashing a person you don't know is an acceptable comment, I'm sorry. Also if she/he wanted to comment they could not hide behind the anonymous tag that's all.
Submitted by Darah Zeledon | http://www.positiveinchaos.blogspot.com
What a heart-felt story. I am of a very different mindset. My husband and I knew we wanted a large family upon marrying. We decided not to commit ourselves to a specific number- sort of just let things happen. Once a child is brought into this world, yes it is expensive and puts an emotional, mental and physical strain on the couple in terms of lost sleep, lost time together, etc. Much of this is temporary, however.
My philosophy is that once here, no good, loving parent can resist eventually feeling an emotional attachment to their kin. All the "kinks" and anticipated "problems" just kind of find a way to work themselves out. I believe that not EVERYTHING has to be so planned or controlled. Many beautiful opportunities often emerge once we relinquish control and allow things to just flow...naturally.
I am not advocating having 17 children however! But, we have 5 and have mutually decided that we are done. Would we ever want to give one of them up for the lack of shut-eye, financial resources, or private time we've missed out on as a result of "another one"- a resounding NO! We work around it all and are thus, more creative in finding ways to achieve what we want.
Submitted by Laurie_MobileMommy | http://mobilemommy.me
Oh my heart just breaks for you as I read this. I do agree that there need to be two "yeses" to have a child, whether the first or fifth child does not matter. But I think that the question of how many children to have can be one of the hardest in a marriage, because there is no compromise is there? You can even think early on that you could compromise on 1 instead of 2 or 3 instead of 4. But when your heart wants something so badly and your partner is so the opposite, you really can't win. I hope in time you find peace with the decision that has been made for you.
I'm actually someone on the opposite side of the discussion - my spouse wanted more children than I did, but we did agree to have the smaller number I wanted ultimately because I simply could not do it again. It strains me mentally and physically already and I fear that my parenting ability would be severely compromised if we had more children. I am grateful to my spouse for seeing that and even agreeing to have a vasectomy for me.
Take care.
Submitted by Jamie Wolf | http://www.fitforamom.wordpress.com
What a heartfelt story of something so private that so many couples experience. Thank you for sharing! My husband and I too went through this and decided after we BOTH were on board that we would try for a third. We now have two girls and a boy and the dynamics are different, however, I wouldn't change anything. There is a 5 year age difference between our last two, so as you can see, this is a topic that we both went back and forth on. It finally came full circle where we both were in complete agreement. I know for certain, that if we were not completely honest in our desires for our third child, we would still be a family of four.
Thanks again for sharing your journey and all the best to you and your family!
Submitted by Nicole Rosen | http://www.financediva.com
My husband and I went through this briefly and what we decided is that when our youngest reached a point where we wanted a 3rd child - we would apply to become foster parents. Also, I have researched being a surrogate (I had easy pregnancies and enjoyed being pregnant).
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