The Struggle with Re-entry
Let me start by saying I have always prided myself with how loving and close my husband, my kids and I are. We have always been a giant pretzel. Talking about everything, cozying up on the couch…kissing and hugging. My over 6’ tall boys still kiss their pop on the lips in front of all their friends. The kids will walk hand in hand down the street. Very affectionate.
Let me fast forward to winter break that is now upon us….my two older ones home from college, both mentioning several times how they already miss their friends and independence at school. Each getting a little on each other’s nerves. The youngest one, my sixteen-year-old son Matthew is off with his many buds and this irritates both Danny and Katie. They want him to want to be with them. They want to know that he missed them, but he is 16 and anyone I speak with that has a boy that age says the same thing. They are quiet, often sullen and all they want to do is be off with their friends. I don’t take it personally but they do. Especially Katie…she was always like Matt’s other mama and she finds it heartbreaking that he doesn’t give her much notice now. I keep telling her he will come back to us…still she mourns the loss. Danny at 22 and a senior in college has his own angst about what he will do when he graduates so he is quick to snap too.
Yesterday we had to go through our storage to locate the snowboarding gear for our road trip. What a nightmare…everyone had some attitude and arguing broke out. It was stressful. I endlessly wondered “what happened to my sweet children?” Is this who we are going to be now? Are we going to become “the Bickersons”….I can’t take it. Ultimately we found everything we needed and everyone apologized throughout the day.
Today seems so much better. Everyone seems to have calmed down and are committed to being kind and considerate. It’s almost like everyone had to blow off a little steam….re-adjust…re-enter the family. If I can step back and observe, it might be interesting. I will get back to you after we head out on our 14 hour car trip to Colorado. Hopefully everyone will remember their resolve and will enjoy each other’s company. If you see three big kids on the side of the road with all of their stuff, you’ll know it didn’t go so well…I am keeping my fingers crossed.
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This made me laugh, Mary Beth!
It also made me remember those visits home and how I enjoyed them, but missed the independence of being on my own and coming and going as I pleased in my own space.
It’s an adjustment…an interesting one! I hope the road trip is fun and full of laughter…and if I see three young people on the side of the road somewhere with all their stuff?
Well, a little laugh might escape.
But isn’t that what families are all about? When we are in close proximity especially after being apart, we get irritable. On our own we settle in to our own habits. When we get back together, we forget they are our habits, not necessarily those of our family. So we get on each other’s nerves. But part of being a family is loving each other in spite of the arguments and petty irritations. I’m sure your trip will be fun and filled with love, even if it has a few not so loveable moments. It’s amazing that at their age, they still want to be seen with the parents!
Have a Happy Holiday trip!
You are so real, and that is one reason why I love reading your blogs so much! I am in the pre-teen years with my eldest,so I am soaking up every word you are saying. Being prepared to not take it peronally may save my sanity. lol. If you are heading to CO from CA and I see those kids on the side of the road of the road in MO,I will surely feel sad for you!
I can relate to this. With my son living in Germany and my daughter who is also a senior in college, getting us all in one place at the same time is rather difficult………. I also wonder where did my sweet kids go and when will they be back. Once we do get together as a family it takes 9.2 seconds for someone to get irritated and annoyed. After 30 minutes of “not me,” “I didn’t say that,” “yes you did,” and “whatever,” there is a simple but heartfelt, “I’m sorry.” Now to get us all back to doing the things we were doing before it hit the fan, a couple of hugs and kisses topped off with a sincere “I love you,” life goes on.
My son has called tonight to wish us a Merry Christmas and to tell us he has snow (which he hates and I love). He’ll be staying in Germany with his wife this year and the emptiness in my heart for his presence is painful. I’ll have my daughter and her husband home for Christmas and for that I’m blessed……but as we gather at the table and hold hands for prayer, I think to myself, that I’d give anything for that 9.2 seconds.
Thank you for your blogs Mary Beth, I really appreciate and welcome them each week!
Have the happiest of Holidays,
Kimber
Mary Beth, I loved your honesty. And standing on the outside, it seems you have the kind of family children are very fortunate to have. And I suspect, deep down, they know it. My children are still babies, almost 4 and 6 months, and we are very much in the pretzel stage. I will try to remember, when my children are older and have their independence, to give them some space to “re-enter the family.” Thank you.
Great Blog Mary Beth. I hope the trip went well and everyone got along. You’re the best!
Gina
Its not just 16 year old boys that don’t want to be with anyone but their friends. I have a sixteen year old daughter and she is the same way. I just learn to appreciate her when she does want to be around. I relaize that this to will change. This is what we raise them to be and do, but no one says we have to like it.