MOTHER AND DAUGHTER CONFUSION
BY JENNIFER RAWLINGS
The day I brought my daughter Courtney home from the hospital was one of the greatest days of my life. That sentiment goes for the day I brought all of my children home from the hospital, but since I am writing about mother/daughter I will stick with Courtney for this story.
As I sat Courtney’s infant car seat on the carpet, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t know the first thing about being a mother. I had never changed a diaper before in my life and when I babysat as a teenager I did so with a phone attached to my ear and the TV on. I didn’t know about breastfeeding, child development, or baby proofing. I questioned the logic of the hospital letting me bring Courtney home. Did they understand how clueless I was about motherhood? Shouldn’t I have been forced to pass a pop quiz before they sent me home with one-day-old, eight and a half pound baby girl?
I stared at Courtney for a long time as she lay quietly sleeping in her “baby bucket”, her head drooped to one side. I gently ran my hands across her tiny fingers and marveled at the miniscule size of her fingernails. I tucked the blue and pink pinstriped hospital blanket snuggly around her feet, careful not to wake her. I passed a full hour just staring at my daughter. It was in that first hour home from the hospital that I fully accepted the reality that “I was a mother and that as long as I was alive I would be Courtney’s mother”.
I remember my own mother saying sentimental stuff like that to me when I was a child and then of course again when I was a teenager and I would slam my bedroom door screaming: “I hate you, I hate this house, and I can’t wait till I move out”.
My mom would counter: “ Well, I love you and as long as I am alive I will always be your mother and there is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you”. This of course did not sit well with me as a surly teenager, but I remembered it the day I brought my daughter home. “I will always be her mom.”
Motherhood brings about a duel identity. I will always be Courtney’s mom, but I will also always be my mother’s daughter. And there are some things about being the daughter that never change – even when you have five kids of your own.
I love my mom. She is artistic, funny, and outrageous. She is also the most stubborn woman I know. My wonderful mom had a stroke last week. I was so worried about my mother I could barely function and spent most of the week walking around in a daze wondering what to do next.
I urged, begged, pleaded, and cried trying to get my mom to go to the emergency room. She refused. So then I tried an approach that works with my teenage daughter when I want her to do something that she doesn’t want to do. I planted a few seeds in my moms head, left her alone and hoped that she would arrive at her own decision that was exactly like the one I had suggested.
My mom is still not in the hospital, but thankfully she made the decision to get treatment.
Mother/Daughter relationships have their own individual poetry and flow. I never realized when I was a drinking, smoking, door-slamming teenager, that decades later I would remain a daughter, still negotiating with her mother that she loves so much.
Recent Posts By Jennifer Rawlings
- THE FAMILY DINNER CIRCUS - August 31st, 2010
- MY HANDS MAKE A GREAT TOTE BAG - August 24th, 2010
- SCARY BIG BOOB FOOD, SCARY FOOD CHAIN - August 17th, 2010
- I AM HAPPY WITH MY SMALL HOUSE.....REALLY!!! - August 10th, 2010
- THE PAIN OF CHANGE - August 3rd, 2010
