Unexpected News
By Megan Schwartz
There was a lot of crying at first. Well, to be totally honest, there was still a lot of crying yesterday and the day before and just a tiny flurry this morning as I tried to choke down breakfast without it coming right back up.
A baby. A baby? Yes, in fact, without a doubt, a baby. (Cue some more crying.)
I admit that I’ve always been a little condescending in my opinions on birth control. Unplanned pregnancies only happen to people taking risks and not paying attention. I was better than that. After all, I’d never had one, right? Clearly my superiority spoke for itself.
God, kind of makes me want to slap ME. What an idiot.
These things happen. That’s exactly what the nurse told me at my first OB appt last month. “These things happen all the time, hun. Don’t take it so hard. It’ll be fine.” If these things happen all the time, shouldn’t they TELL people that? BEFORE it happens?
But the “how” of it all doesn’t matter. Clearly, somewhere along the way, my birth control failed and now I am pregnant. Next summer, I will hold a small infant in my arms that will stare at me like I am its whole world, because in all reality, I will be. And it’s a beautiful thing, that love, that freshness. And I’m happy.
Sometimes.
And sometimes? I cry. I’m scared, I have major doubts about my quality as a mother to handle another child. I’m angry, because this sets my life, my plans for MYSELF, back several years at least. I’m overwhelmed and shocked and there are times when I just don’t believe it. Sure, I feel sick all day, I’m worn down with exhaustion and for some bizarre reason my pants won’t close even though there’s no reason at this point for that to be true.
When those times hit, when that un-reality covers me like a fog, I go and look at the ultrasound picture. It’s not much to see right now–a bean that is more head than body. Then I remember that flashing heartbeat, defiantly strong, and the way that tiny, unexpected bean moved around, as if trying to make the point of, “I’m real! Can you see me? I’m really here!”
So, yes, I cry. But sometimes, more and more, it’s because I’m excited. We didn’t plan this, but it’s happening nonetheless. A baby. As vast as that unknown can seem right now, there’s something magical about it, too. The whole future of our family just changed in an eyeblink with the beating of one miniscule heart.
How cool is that?
Recent Posts By Megan Schwartz
- The baby's here... but I've lost my mind. - August 6th, 2010
- If You Really Want To Help, Stay Out of My Sex Life - July 9th, 2010
- Wrapping up the nursery, so why don't I feel ready? - July 2nd, 2010
- What's your parenting philosophy? - June 25th, 2010
- The Salon Experience - June 19th, 2010
Tags: Family, pregnancy, unplanned pregnancy
Great post. I too had an unexpected pregnancy and can relate to your feelings.
It’s totally cool! Congrats.
Been there, too, honey. Panic, anger, resentment, and then finally a kind of awe – there’s a reason this happened and it bigger than your birth control. The kid was meant to be a part of your family. Congrats and hang in there.
Great post!
Great post Megan! Thanks for sharing your true emotions as I am sure so many others can relate. And of course, Congratulations!!